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Yin and Yang

The Fixer, from Pearl Jam's new album (Backspacer), reminds me of One Art, one of my favorite poems by Elizabeth Bishop. Both are about a love lost and both feature an escalation (from the easy to the difficult).

The Fixer by Pearl Jam

Yeah, hey, hey

When something's dark, let me shed a little light on it

When something's cold, let me put a little fire on it

If something's old, I wanna put a bit of shine on it

When something's gone, I wanna fight to get it back again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fight to get it back again

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

When something's broke, I wanna put a bit of fixin on it

When something's bored, I wanna put a little exciting on it

If something's low, I wanna put a little high on it

When something's lost, I wanna fight to get it back again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fight to get it back again

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

When signals cross, I wanna put a little straight on it

If there's no love, I wanna try to love again.

I'll say your prayers, I'll take your side, I'll find us a way to make light

I'll dig your grave, we'll dance and sing

What's saved could be one last lifetime

Hey, hey, hey

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fight to get it back again

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Fight to get it back again, yeah, yeah, yeah

Fight to get it back again, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

---------------------------------

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

What's fascinating (at least to me) is how the male side (Pearl Jam) is about action and the female side (Bishop) is about passivity. He's going to fight to get that lost love back again. She's going to accept it. (In astrology, masculine forces are deemed active¹; feminine forces, passive. And look—there they are.)

But is this the way it is? Do men fight to hold on to relationships more? I tend to believe they don’t. That the woman usually holds on and says, “Let’s make things better. Let’s work on it.” But maybe I’m wrong.

Many a teen girl has heard this horrible thing: “If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was.” My cousin had this embroidered on a pillow. I’ve always hated it. Oh, sure, it might be true. But, ugh. The schmaltz. And it makes me think of my cats… I love my cats, but no way I’m setting them free. They might come back or they might get hit by a car. And I know they’re mine: I feed them all the time.

But I get it. Let the universe take care of things. Is that passive? It might be, but maybe it’s also is often the right thing to do. Or maybe it varies by situation. That would be ideal. No rules

1: Which brings to mind, out of nowhere, the Schoolhouse Rock “Verb – That’s What’s Happening” episode – “I get my thing in action…”²

2: Which then reminds me of a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention campaign from a few years ago to get kids more active: “Verb: It’s What You Do.”³

3: Which then makes me wonder, why the hell can I remember such things but can’t remember to pick up AA batteries at the store?

Testing Limits

My older son is extremely bright. He's been categorized as both "gifted" and perhaps "genius." He's also extremely emotional. Which may go with the genius tag. i'm not sure. What I do know is that he's a huge test for me as a parent. He's struggling with the separation (and regularly hangs up on his father when he calls) and struggling with early teenage angst. I miss the baby I had 12 years ago.

Yesterday was a pretty horrific day in our relationship. But maybe it has taught us both something. I hope so.

First, he didn't want to go to school. He went in, finally, two periods late. It was a battle of wills and since he's just 12, I couldn't let him win. I don't know how i feel about that. He nearly wore me down. But I did the right thing in not letting him stay home.

He didn't want to go because it was a gym day and they're doing basketball drills and he doesn't do them well. He's a really big kid, so i know he feels all of the gawkiness of a near-teenager. But we all have to go through gym. Not wanting to go to gym is not a reason to stay home from school, right? I think that, as a parent, I have to choose my battles carefully. But the one thing he has to know is that he can't make the rules.

He told me he wanted me to die, that the wanted to torture me, that i was the worst mother in the world. I think he even said he wanted to kill me. But I couldn't give in. It would have set a bad precedent.

The funny thing is, throughout it all I was happy it was me dealing with him and not the ex. His father would not have handled it well and it would have been worse. I only lost my temper once during the 2-hour battle with him (I hit him on the arm). I called the attendance office and said he'd be late (he's never been late before and I knew that the anxiety of getting a late pass would just add to his overall self-consciousness). And by 9:10, I got him into school.

Then, last night, I got a call from his religious education teacher. He's in his confirmation year and at religious education last night he was supposed to write a letter to the bishop about why he wants to make his confirmation.

but instead he wrote that God doesn't exist. And that I was forcing him to make his confirmation.

Great. Just lovely.
What bothers me most is that I told him before class something along the lines of "just do it." Maybe I even counseled him to be a hypocrite. I said, Ben, this is your last year of religious ed. After you make your confirmation this fall, you can do whatever you want, but don't rock the boat now. SO he knew he shouldn't write something like that.

But, he says, he had to write what he felt AND it was just a draft that some kids took from him and passed around the class (which leaves me a little pissed off at the teacher for her lack of control).

Anyway, my personal feeling is that I shouldn't force him to do this.
My ex is Jewish—well, he's a Jewish atheist (which isn't as uncommon as you may think)—and we intended to raise the kids with an understanding of both religions (Catholic and Jewish). When the oldest was about to enter 1st grade, we decided to have both boys baptized. So, B was 6 and D was 3 when they were baptized. And I felt good about it. I liked the idea of waiting and not just rushing into it because I was raised Catholic.

So, my ex is an avowed atheist (as is his mother, who has openly criticized religion in front of the kids), and, obviously, my older son is too. A few years ago, we started looking around for a different type of church. I don't believe in force-feeding religion. I'm an agnostic. I'm don't know what I believe. We went to the Unitarian Universalist Church in Garden City and my ex liked it. I didn't. It was too much like protestant for me (more about the coffee and donuts afterward than about any spirituality). It was too much of a mishmash of stuff.

Well, when my mother found out that we were considering leaving the Catholic church, she told me that I was putting a knife in her heart (truly, she said that exactly). And she made me promise that i would at least have our younger son make his communion first. As it turns out, my younger son is both spiritual and he believes very much in God and in the traditions of the Catholic church.

I don't want to force my son to do this. And I believe very much that religion should be a personal choice, not something foisted upon you. On the other hand, he is only 12 and this may be just another attempt to test my limits.

I think that in the long run, it would be better if he just did this—make his confirmation and then he's done. He can choose to be the devout scientist he wants to be.

I feel terrible. I don't want to paint a bad picture of myself as a parent or of my kids—who are really kind of wonderful. Both boys are smart and wonderful.

A good friend of mind (and a Buddhist) thinks my son is testing my limits and I should discuss this with him, but ultimately insist that he follow through. I'm still not sure.

Counting Sheep

I had a very stressful day yesterday: Kids were heading back to school after a week off, I had a job interview scheduled for Monday morning, I hadn't finished all the reading for Monday night's class, we were having a test in class, too, and we were going to get our teams assigned for our digital library project (I already had an idea for a topic, but I didn't want to be bossy about it). So, Sunday night, I just couldn't fall asleep. Making matters worse, the boys were afraid of something and both came into my bed to sleep. Yeah, I know... they're getting too old for that and there really isn't room for all three of us. Of course, sometime during the night a cat (typically Jessie) will also come into my bed and this night was no different. So, Jessie's walking on me, the kids are taking the sheets, i feel stress up to my earlobes, and I just can't fall asleep. This is what I started thinking of:

Ernie Counts Sheep

I tried counting sheep. I tried counting sheep backward (which isn't very smart because it makes you concentrate a little more) and then I started trying to name sheep. I finished the book Three Bags Full recently... in which a shepherd is killed and his sheep figure out who did it. The story is told through the eyes of the sheep—all 18 of them—but I could only think of 10 of them. It's a good book, even if it does take some time to get into. At first it's difficult to keep the sheep straight and to enjoy their limited perspective. But after awhile, you come to really love them (no joke).

The sheep counting having failed miserably, I considered taking a Benedryl, but Benedryl completely knocks me out and I feared i wouldn't wake up in time to get the kids ready for school. Needless to say I got little sleep.

But the stressful day went well: The interview went very well even if they may not be able to hire me (it's a little complicated), I did wonderfully on my test, and I got a good group to work with on the digital library project. Last night I slept like a lamb.


M

Hi Ho...Hi Ho...It's off my Rocker I go...

This Saturday, my wife and our twins and I head off for a week in the most magical place on earth. No, not Tijuana -- I'm of course talking about Disney World.

This will be our first official 'family vacation' -- our road trip to the Florida panhandle to visit Kim's dad, as far as I'm concerned, didn't really count. Nor do little 'spurts' up to Massachussetts or CT. We're leavin' on a Jet Plane, though thank god I know when we're comin' back again.

I remember years ago there was a commercial where a couple brings their son to the airport, making him believe the dad is off on some business trip. They ask him to come aboard the plane to check it out and when he is shocked to see them close the airplane door, they announced they are taking him to Disneyworld.

Clearly, we should have done the same thing.

We made the tragic mistake a few months ago of telling 'Frick and Frack' that we were taking them to Disney, and its been non-stop "are we going yet" ever since. As the time has gotten closer, they've gotten more manic. I swear, I believe they learned about the names of the months just so they would be able to say "It's January, yay we finally go. Let's go now!"

Of course, Matthew has decided that he will only enjoy Disney if he has absolutely no contact whatsoever with "Big Mickey Mouse" or any other costumed character. Uhh, sorry there Matt, we'll bring a friggin blindfold. He is okay if he gets to say hi to Ariel the little Mermaid however. The only problem is I can't tell if its because he wants to kiss her or wear her costume (both of which he's mentioned).

We'll be gone a week, traveling with our friends and my godson -- we'll be doing the Magic Kingdom, Universal and maybe SeaWorld. And then we'll come home where I'll cry softly to myself while in a fetal position.

Kidding. I'm sure it will be fun.

Anyone have any disney tips or advice to offer?

I'm Not a Little Teacup

[My conscience... a real-life Jiminy Cricket currently living in North Carolina... told me to remove this post. But I'm leaving in the Clinton part.]

Leave Hillary Clinton alone. How dare John Edwards make a comment about whether women are capable of being in positions of leadership. If Elizabeth Edwards is half the woman she claims to be with all of her snide comments, she should kick him in the balls.

Today's DailyOM

Great DailyOM today... along the same lines of what I was thinking.

A Kick In the Arse

In a recent issue of O, the Oprah Magazine, two women wrote about "waiting." The headline for the entire piece was "Are You Waiting for Your Life to Begin?" and the two essays are really best summarized by the deck: "Elizabeth Swados has spent most of her life in a state of foot-tapping, knuckle-drumming expectation: for her vacation to begin, her food to arrive, true love to come knocking and more. Cut to Sharon Salzberg, who mulls over the downsides, upsides, priceless lessons, and incredibly productive uses of that stretch time between Now and When."

Both authors, in different ways, came to the same conclusion: Live in the Now. And be truly present in the Now.

Well, they awakened my muse. I immediately thought of a novella by Henry James. In his The Beast in the Jungle, protagonist John Marcher is waiting for his life to begin. John believes that some fantastic (good or bad) event is going to happen in his life -- it waits for him like a beast in the jungle. He also believes that this event is so important that he can do nothing else but wait for it. He's lucky enough to find a female friend, May Bartram, who will wait with him. But this being the turn of the century (1903ish), he and May don't co-habitate or have any sexual relationship. They grow old and nothing happens. May dies and John realizes he wasted his life. It gets a bit melodramatic at the end (John throws himself on May's grave, cursing his stupidity (and, probably, his virginity)).

The take-away idea is that many of us long for an experience, a raison d'etre, something that will redeem us from this mundane existence.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them," said Henry David Thoreau.

And you know how it goes, once you start thinking about a subject (like fate), other events conspire to fit the theme. The kids and I watched a Naruto marathon where two of the characters struggled with the demons (real demons) inside of them and another with having been born into the wrong blood line. Do they let the demons control them, or do they learn to control the demons? What if you're born in the blood line that's not supposed to have the heroes, does that mean you can't rise above that and become a hero?

Then there's my divorce, of course. And my kind-of-new position at work. And my company announcing it's moving. All this change at once. I have to wonder if fate is giving me a kick in the arse and telling me to stop waiting for something and just do something. I just have to figure out what it is I'm supposed to do.

"Freewill," by Rush, falls into this theme, and I just happened to hear it recently. I don't really know Rush (as my friend Jimmy3000 will tell you, chicks don't dig Rush), but this song fits:

There are those who think that life/Has nothing left to chance/With a host of holy horrors/To direct our aimless dance

A planet of playthings/We dance on the strings/Of powers we cannot perceive/The stars aren't aligned/Or the gods are malign/Blame is better to give than receive

You can choose a ready guide/In some celestial voice/If you choose not to decide/You still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears/And kindness that can kill/I will choose a path that's clear/I will choose free will

There are those who think that they've been dealt a losing hand/The cards were stacked against them/They weren't born in lotus-land

All preordained/A prisoner in chains/A victim of venomous fate/Kicked in the face/You can't pray for a place/In heavens unearthly estate

Each of us/A cell of awareness/Imperfect and incomplete/Genetic blends/With uncertain ends/On a fortune hunt/That's far too fleet...

Yeah.

P.S.
Two listed contributors to this blog recently moved west -- to the wet northwest and to the dry southwest. Good luck to both of you and with the next chapters in your lives.

P.P.S
I upgraded to the new Blogger and all the contributors now have to re-log in or something like that. So many of you have disappeared. : (