Testing Limits

My older son is extremely bright. He's been categorized as both "gifted" and perhaps "genius." He's also extremely emotional. Which may go with the genius tag. i'm not sure. What I do know is that he's a huge test for me as a parent. He's struggling with the separation (and regularly hangs up on his father when he calls) and struggling with early teenage angst. I miss the baby I had 12 years ago.

Yesterday was a pretty horrific day in our relationship. But maybe it has taught us both something. I hope so.

First, he didn't want to go to school. He went in, finally, two periods late. It was a battle of wills and since he's just 12, I couldn't let him win. I don't know how i feel about that. He nearly wore me down. But I did the right thing in not letting him stay home.

He didn't want to go because it was a gym day and they're doing basketball drills and he doesn't do them well. He's a really big kid, so i know he feels all of the gawkiness of a near-teenager. But we all have to go through gym. Not wanting to go to gym is not a reason to stay home from school, right? I think that, as a parent, I have to choose my battles carefully. But the one thing he has to know is that he can't make the rules.

He told me he wanted me to die, that the wanted to torture me, that i was the worst mother in the world. I think he even said he wanted to kill me. But I couldn't give in. It would have set a bad precedent.

The funny thing is, throughout it all I was happy it was me dealing with him and not the ex. His father would not have handled it well and it would have been worse. I only lost my temper once during the 2-hour battle with him (I hit him on the arm). I called the attendance office and said he'd be late (he's never been late before and I knew that the anxiety of getting a late pass would just add to his overall self-consciousness). And by 9:10, I got him into school.

Then, last night, I got a call from his religious education teacher. He's in his confirmation year and at religious education last night he was supposed to write a letter to the bishop about why he wants to make his confirmation.

but instead he wrote that God doesn't exist. And that I was forcing him to make his confirmation.

Great. Just lovely.
What bothers me most is that I told him before class something along the lines of "just do it." Maybe I even counseled him to be a hypocrite. I said, Ben, this is your last year of religious ed. After you make your confirmation this fall, you can do whatever you want, but don't rock the boat now. SO he knew he shouldn't write something like that.

But, he says, he had to write what he felt AND it was just a draft that some kids took from him and passed around the class (which leaves me a little pissed off at the teacher for her lack of control).

Anyway, my personal feeling is that I shouldn't force him to do this.
My ex is Jewish—well, he's a Jewish atheist (which isn't as uncommon as you may think)—and we intended to raise the kids with an understanding of both religions (Catholic and Jewish). When the oldest was about to enter 1st grade, we decided to have both boys baptized. So, B was 6 and D was 3 when they were baptized. And I felt good about it. I liked the idea of waiting and not just rushing into it because I was raised Catholic.

So, my ex is an avowed atheist (as is his mother, who has openly criticized religion in front of the kids), and, obviously, my older son is too. A few years ago, we started looking around for a different type of church. I don't believe in force-feeding religion. I'm an agnostic. I'm don't know what I believe. We went to the Unitarian Universalist Church in Garden City and my ex liked it. I didn't. It was too much like protestant for me (more about the coffee and donuts afterward than about any spirituality). It was too much of a mishmash of stuff.

Well, when my mother found out that we were considering leaving the Catholic church, she told me that I was putting a knife in her heart (truly, she said that exactly). And she made me promise that i would at least have our younger son make his communion first. As it turns out, my younger son is both spiritual and he believes very much in God and in the traditions of the Catholic church.

I don't want to force my son to do this. And I believe very much that religion should be a personal choice, not something foisted upon you. On the other hand, he is only 12 and this may be just another attempt to test my limits.

I think that in the long run, it would be better if he just did this—make his confirmation and then he's done. He can choose to be the devout scientist he wants to be.

I feel terrible. I don't want to paint a bad picture of myself as a parent or of my kids—who are really kind of wonderful. Both boys are smart and wonderful.

A good friend of mind (and a Buddhist) thinks my son is testing my limits and I should discuss this with him, but ultimately insist that he follow through. I'm still not sure.